Friday, March 18, 2005
sumtimes i feel as if i bring unhappiness upon myself by thinking too much. u din reply my last msg last nite n i guess u went to slp. anw mayb the real prob is with me. mayb the prob abt her got worse after i talked abt it to 2 of my gd frens who both happen not to have much liking for her so it kinda made me more biased n troubled over it when it may turn out to b nth.
but somehow i think the way i'm feeling abt her can b justified. i dunno how much u noe abt the things dat happened between me n her but i think i'm just really sick of it to the point where i really do not wan to have anything much to do with her if i can help it. i dunno y i'm always tangled up in a mess with her tho i really nv meant to. lyk i said yday, i really feel as tho i got myself out of 1 web n suddenly just find out dat i'v stumbled into another bigger web. it's lyk she's stuck on me n i cant get her off.
it's not dat i hate her or wad cos i dun. i just dun understand the reason behind her actions n words so i cant help thinking dat she's not wad she seems n talking to mutual frens only serve to convince me better so. u said u still dun really noe me dat well n neither do i really noe u v well yet but isnt the getting-to-noe-u a part of being together? but anw wad u said triggered some burning qns in my mind dat i'v been dying to ask u ever since i last talked to her.. do u think u noe her better than u noe me? do u think she noes u better than i do? do u think u'd b happier with her?
i dunno if she reads my blog n i seriously do not care. in the last 2yrs, i'v alr tried my best to avoid crossing paths with her, simply bcos i dunno wad else she'll b saying to me n i'm not terribly excited at the thought of talking to her cos 1/2 the time, i dunno whether or not to believe her. there'v alr been instances where she told me things dat i later found out to b untrue so i'v learnt to b skeptical abt the things she tells me.
but anw, the other day when i met up with her n some of the other girls, there were a few times when she said things dat implied dat she noes u better than i do n dat u'r more comfortable with her than with me. py was sitting just beside me n she also felt dat dat was wad she was really trying to say. it's lyk,
come on lah! even if wad she's saying is true, she doesnt need to b
rubbing it in my face over n over again. i noe u'v been classmates n gd frens for lyk 2yrs so i can accept it if u n her r closer than u n me at dis pt in time. i just dun think she's really DAT blur enuf not to realise dat wad she's saying isnt exactly sth dat i'd b v happy to hear. so now u basically noe wad's the prob.
i din wan to tell u at 1st cos lyk i said, i noe u r close n i dun wan to wei2 nan2 ni3 or wad. i also din wan to end up sounding lyk i'm being ridiculous or i'm trying to sow discord, n was afraid u'll say sth along the line of "she's not dis type of person" cos i noe i'll get pissed off n dat's not wad i wan. sumtimes it doesnt bother me n i'll just brush it aside n think "mayb it's nth lah", but sumtimes it really irks me dat i dun noe wad's the problem or wad is really going on. pls try to put urself in my shoes n try to understand how i feel. let's say.. u used to lyk ST but she got tog with YC, YC n i r v close, u noe we lyked each other, ST n YC broke up, he comes n tell u dat he noes me better than u, blah.. it's just not v nice to noe, even if all dis doesnt mean anything. do u c?
for me, if i dun tell u, it'll just b lyk..
having a stone in the shoe. sumtimes u can walk along fine without feeling it tho u noe it's there, but other times, u keep stepping on the stone n it hurts ur foot so much til u just hafta stop walking n shake the stone out. yah.. if u get wad i mean lah. anw since we'v started talking abt it, mayb we shd just finish the conversation n c where it leads us to ba. i dun lyk the feeling of keeping things from u anyway.
i'm really fine with u 2 being close frens n i'm not jealous of ur closeness but i think the fact dat i noe u lyk(ed) each other b4 bothers me esp now dat she n k broke up n she's here telling me all the stupid things n i dunno wad she's trying to do. i dun understand y we always kinda seem to lyk the same guys and/or have some sort of connection with the each other in one way or another. i also dunno y u nv tried to take action in j1 but i think most prob cos she was attached? i dunno lah. i dunno if she knew u lyked her but i din tell her, i wun tell her n i hope she nv noes cos i just dun wan her to noe! bleahs.
when i woke up 2day, i cldnt stop thinking abt everything. was thinking dat since she's lyk "there" 1st, if u still lyk her, she still lyks u, u r closer n noe each other better, den mayb i shd just rang4 bu4 ba. but den i felt vvv upset at tot of it n got even more upset when it suddenly just dawned on me dat i love u too much to bear to give u up now, but
wad if u were nv really mine?...
random thoughts at 6:21:00 PM
